I’m writing this as we pack the bags and are slowly heading towards the airport.

1) Travel Around The World is the most surreal game I’ve played since Space Giraffe. No, seriously, hear me out here. It’s a board game by Reader’s Digest where all the players have to visit six locations before everyone else and answer trivia questions along the way. Sounds great except for the fact the rule sheet was created by a random word generator and the real objective of the game is to cause confusion, panic and a general hatred for playing board games. It is a game where you end up making up your own rules just to get the game to end. Rules like “move wherever you want”, “have an extra turn if you’re near your destination, sure” and “let’s just say you win and will someone take this thing away from me please”

2) Scorpia is the most prized and dangerous item on the planet. The mother-in-law has put all this ground covering – Scorpia it’s apparently called, though the local natives also offer scopia or scapia as acceptable pronunciations – around the back of her garden. It has the consistency of jagged glass. It’s like she went to the garden landscaping store, asked them for the most uncomfortable, painful material, they have – maybe the stuff they export to countries where agony is the local unit of currency – and they gave her this. Every time I got near it everyone would scream “Put some shoes on, you’re about to walk on the Scorpia!” like I was about to walk on the Queen’s lawn and proper protocol should be observed.

When nobody was looking I walked on it barefoot just fine and lived.

3) “1984″ was based on this neighbourhood I’m staying in. Every activity by every neighbour is monitored, discussed and evaluated on a constant twenty four basis. Neighbour pulled into the driveway? QUICK LET’S GO HAVE A LOOK. Neighbour had their air conditioning on early in the day? I WONDER WHAT’S GOING ON LET’S GO HAVE A CHAT. Wait, what’s that – one of the neighbours is going away for a few days? WE HAVE TO GO TELL THEM TO MOVE THEIR BIN IN AND CANCEL THEIR NEWSPAPER. Look I know it’s nice to have nice neighbours that look out for one another but it’s a bit much when they give you unsolicited cleaning tips based on what type of shower curtain you have.

4) Five dollar wireless routers are reliable, easy to use and can handle having more than one device connected to it at once. HA HA I’M JUST KIDDING WHAT A MISERABLE PIECE OF JUNK.

5) The SRT-5011 Digital Television Set Top Box is a terrible way to spend fifty dollars. It was half price in the boxing day sales and I was asked to hook it up to a Standard Definition (UGH) 4:3 (UGH!!) television with composite cables (UGH!!!!). The damn thing never worked right. It kept freezing and at midnight on New Year’s Eve it just went black. THEY AREN’T MEANT TO DO THAT I DON’T THINK. We took it back and the staff gave us no grief, like they knew we were duped and they were sorry – well at least as sorry as you can get without actually apologizing. As we made the return we saw other people also returning them and we gave them small nods of fellowship into a our damned circle of bad electronics. Do not by the SRT-5011 Digital Television Set Top Box. Are you reading this, Google? Archive that sentence and prepare the rest of humanity.

I have had a lot of fun here but I just want to go home and play with my kitty cats now. Thanks for reading.